Here’s why couples should sit by each other not far apart while trying to settle an issue – Tips on conflict resolution in marriage

WiGRadio Team: Can we meet you sir

Mr. Adim Okolie: I’m Adim Okolie. I hail from Delta State. I’m married with 2 children. I’m Christian. Professionally, I consult on IT and automation on e-payment products and processes.

Mrs. Yinka okolie: My name is Olayinka Okolie. A graduate of Business Administration & Management, Federal Polytechnic, Ede, Osun State. A native of Ijebu Ife in Ogun State. An Educationist and married to Adim Okolie

WiGRadio Team: Please share with us your salvation experience.

Mrs. Yinka okolie: I gave my life to Jesus as a teenager in 1993. Though the pressure of life got me in and out of Christ but I became serious after graduating from the polytechnic.

Mr. Adim Okolie: I gave my life to Christ several times like some people would say. but I can tell that I settled with Christ in 2005 after my graduation from the university. Ever since it’s been a wonderful experience of God’s unfailing grace, mercy, love and all forms of divine blessings through the seasons of ups and downs, through thick and thin.

WiGRadio Team: When and how did you meet your beautiful wife sir? And how did you know she is “The One” sir? And ma, How did you meet your husband? Was it love at first sight or the love grew overtime?

Mr. Adim Okolie: This question always puts a smile on my face. I met my wife for the first time in 1998 while in the Polytechnic. She was in Business Administration Department, while I was in Statistics Department.
We were in same press club, The Rocket .
Mine was a conviction from first day because, even though I wasn’t born again then, I heard that voice within me that said that’s the one you would marry. So I stayed calm and decided to watch things unfold for themselves. I didn’t make any move then because I knew my seniors in school had eyes on her including my senior cousins.

Mrs. Yinka okolie: I met my husband in 1998 at the polytechnic. We were members of the same press club, became friends and eventually got married 11 years after. For me, it wasn’t love at first sight, we built our relationship over time which eventually led to marriage.

WiGRadio Team: Wow. Got married 11years after! Did you know at the time you were in school that you were going to marry him? How was the courtship stage? What kinds of questions did you ask? What did you look out for to know he was the one?

Mrs. Yinka okolie: No. I had a number of admirers at the time. We were just good friends. We were reading mates too. He was a great friend. I admired his brilliance and cool-headedness. We discussed everything especially my admirers. I admire his love and fear of God. His values wowed me. I had always wanted to marry a man with good value.

WiGRadio Team: But did you at anytime during this period pray about whom the will of God for you in marriage was ma?

Mrs. Yinka okolie: I prayed for God’s direction in my choice. As I said, I had a lot of admirers in and out of school. I was just keen on having someone who loves God, has very strong values and brain I was also ‘shinning’ my eyes. I almost missed it

WiGRadio Team: Hmm, what do you mean by you “almost missed it” ma?

Mrs. Yinka okolie:: We both had a misunderstanding that almost tore us apart before our introduction. Our parents got involved and it looked as though we would never get back. A number of good and godly guys came around at about that time. I was already considering one of them. I prayed about the issue and you know what he came back shortly before I gave my answer to the other guy I was considering.

WiGRadio Team: Did you pray about the issue you had with him ma? And did you receive any response from God before moving on to consider another person?

Mrs. Yinka Okolie: I prayed about it. I had godly mentors who were also in the know praying along with me. I was just enjoying my friends. I am sociable and had a lot of male friends. I wasn’t moving on yet as at that time, I was just considering.

WiGRadio Team: So when he proposed 11years later, did you have to pray about it whether he’s the one God wants for you despite your fondness for each other?

Mrs. Yinka Okolie:: To be honest, I didn’t pray about him being the one God wanted for me. Everything pointed to the fact that He’s the chosen one.

WiGRadio Team: We noticed that you both come from different ethnic backgrounds. Was there a lot of pushback from both families?

Mr. Adim Okolie: I never had issues. I’m a freeborn I’m never tribalistic

Mrs. Yinka Okolie: There wasn’t any issue from my family. My parents were liberal as long as it’s your choice. They weren’t surprised, a number of Igbo guys had been showing interest before then. Though his mum had her reservations about people from my tribe. She shared her fears with me and we discussed. That settled it

WiGRadio Team: Also, how were you able to navigate the intercultural differences?

Mr. Adim Okolie: My family and I have always been on the south west so cultural differences weren’t an issue. For my family, there were initial concerns especially from siblings and my Dad about my wife’s personal values and dispositions but not cultural. But knowing that I fully involved, they had no choice but to just allow her be.

WiGRadio Team: After so many years of marriage, how do you both keep the fire burning even in these busy times? What do you love to do together? How do you stay centered?

Mr. Adim Okolie: We have God at the centre of this. marriage because we know He has been there from day 1. So we always anchor on Him. So God is the first One keeping us. Our love for each other burns daily. We love each other and we know we do. Faithfulness is another. We resolved that we will stay true to our vow and by His grace, we have been. We are very open to each other. Communicate a lot. We sometimes stay sleepless nights gisting. We discuss a lot. Anything and everything. We also share understanding. Very flexible on issues and come out plain to each other on any flaw, and deal with it immediately. I owe all to God and our determination to make this marriage work come what may.

Mrs. Yinka Okolie: We are best of friends. We relate more as friends than spouses. Nothing is officious about us.Hmm….. What we do? We gist, gist and gist. We gist about everything I must confess. God has been our source. He’s at the center of it all. For us, love is not what you expect your partner to give but what you are covenanted to do.

WiGRadio Team: Please share with us some tips on conflict management in marriage that other couples can explore sir and ma.

Mrs. Yinka Okolie: In resolving conflict in marriage, an honest, open communication is key. Spouses must be ready to speak the truth in love.

2. The timing for communication must also be right. Don’t ask for a discussion in the heat of an argument or issue
3. Physical connection is also important. Couples should sit by each other not far apart while trying to settle an issue. The bodily/physical connection can spur ‘something’ that will aid quick resolution.
4. You cannot take God out of the equation. A family that prays together stays together. Couples who regularly and always pray together are quick to forgive each other and resolve their differences knowing they have an obligation to live in peace

Mr. Adim Okolie: First, let’s understand that conflict is bound to set in relationships as long as we have differences in our backgrounds, opinion, thought patterns and expectations. Conflicts occur when our expectations differ from actual outcome.To manage conflict effectively, here are a few tips;

1. Communicate regularly and be open in your communication.
2. Be open and expect your spouse to be human as you are. So, bound to fall below your expectations.
3. Don’t allow the issues to tarry too long before raising it for discussion. When you communicate a lot, it will be easy to bring such issues timely for resolution.
4. Very importantly, make excuses for your spouse’s flaws. I say this a lot whenever my wife tells me about people-induced issues.

WiGRadio Team: How do we strike a balance between being sociable and setting boundaries with the opposite sex to avoid being seen as “too available” ma.

Mr. Adim Okolie: It’s important ladies define what they want in any relationship likewise the guys. Every relationship should be defined from day one. Intent needs to be identified as early as possible. That’s where we need spirit of discernment.

Mrs. Yinka Okolie: The rules of the game must be spelt out from the onset with the opposite sex. The lady must also be firm and be full of values. I have many experiences to share. I have related with guys who I never knew were friends to my would be in-laws. Only to get married and know that. Thank God I kept myself all through. Even though a single needs to free up and be friendly but sets boundaries. The bible says he who wants to have friends must first show himself friendly. Pro 18:24

WiGRadio Team: Considering that there are other agents of socialization that are likely to influence the children both positively and negatively, are there specific things parents can/should begin to do to shield their children from the evil vices of the world in this age and time sir and ma?

Mrs. Yinka Okolie: The first thing parents can do to shield their children from the evil vices of this world is to introduce God to them from their childhood. A child that is taught to love God will always be drawn by Him no matter how far he goes into the world.

2. Parents must be their children’s first friend. A child who sees his parents as friends will trust them enough to share his concerns.
3. Open communication is a must.
4. Parents must model the right values to their children

WiGRadio Team: Lastly sir and ma, what do you have to say to brothers and sisters that are waiting on God for a life partner?

Mrs. Yinka Okolie: Waiting on God for a life partner is worth the wait I must confess. Marriage counseling/pre-marital counseling is also not negotiable. The RCCG pre-marital manual is robust. I recommend it for every intending couple. My husband and I will always bless God for taking us through the pre-marital class. Some singles are time wasters. Prayerfully watch out for the red flags. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage.

Mr. Adim Okolie: For brothers and sisters waiting on God for life partners, put God first in all you do, and make Him the bedrock of all your aspirations. Develop yourself to get prepared spiritually, psychologically, financially and emotionally. Diligence is critical. A good marriage is hardwork and must be intentional. While waiting on God, get prepared, grow and develop yourself.

WiGRadio Team: Can you share with us one major lesson you were taught during counselling that you still find useful today even after more that 10years of marriage ma?

(Now this is our last question tonight)

Mr. Adim Okolie: Better to break a relationship that will lead to a broken marriage than keeping a relationship that will break a marriage…look out for red flags, they are in the details during relationship. Again, discerning spirit will reveal red flags. Love, Forgiveness and Appreciation are vital in building and keeping a godly marriage.

Mrs. Yinka Okolie: Hmmm……… Divorce is not an option in a Christian marriage. Couples must be intentional and determined to making their marriages work.

WiGRadio Team: Wow! it’s been an awesome time with you sir and ma. We’ve learnt some great lessons that we will not forget soon. Thank you honoring our invite!!

Mr. & Mrs. Okolie: Thanks for having us. We appreciate the opportunity.